Inside Out
by Trish3
Summary: Spike's thoughts after Buffy closes the door in his face in Crush.


Title: Inside Out  
Author: Trish (skittlez143m@aol.com)  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the mood my term papers put me in.  
Distribution: Ask and you shall have.  
Rating: R for angst.  
Author's Notes: Normally I give a dedication, but I don't think anyone would   
want this fic associated with them. So, instead, I thank the members of One   
Good Day, because I know that they'll put me in a better mood once this fic   
is out of my system. :) Incase you couldn't tell, I just took a flight   
through time, and this takes place at the end of Crush. Lyrics are by   
Metallica, Sad But True.  
  
  
Inside Out  
by Trish  
  
  
_Hey I'm your life  
I'm the one who takes you there  
Hey I'm your life  
I'm the one who cares  
They, they betray  
I'm your only true friend now  
They, they betray  
I'm the one who cares_  
  
  
I can't believe this. Here I am, standing on the Slayer's doorstep, staring   
at a bleedin' door when I should be staring into her eyes as she tells me she   
loves me. I just poured my heart out to her, and how does the stupid chit   
repay me? She hits me and has the witch do a de-invite spell on me to keep   
me out. Out of her house, out of her life. Bloody bitches, the lot of them.  
  
It didn't bother me that she hit me. It's not like it means anything. She   
hits me all the time, and truth be told, I kinda like it. At least it's a   
way to feel her skin against mine, burning into me. It may not be pretty,   
but I take what I can get.   
  
Now though, she's gotten personal. Even before I had the soddin' chip put   
into my head she never took away my invitation. I could of come into her   
house any time I wanted to when all I wanted was to kill her. But now that   
all I want is to love her, she tries to keep me out. I try to think that she   
only did it cuz she was mad about seeing Dru, but she must've told Red to do   
it right after I told her I loved her. Now that hurts.  
  
So, here I am now just sittin' on her porch like a wanker, hoping that she'll   
see that she was wrong and let me in. It's probably been an hour since she   
shut the door to begin with, but I'm not going anywhere. I've got all the   
time in the world. Or at least until sunrise. I guess it all depends on   
whether or not she lets me in. Interesting thought, there.  
  
_I'm your dream make you real  
I'm your eyes when you must steal  
I'm your pain when you can't feel  
Sad but true  
I'm youe dream mind astray  
I'm your eyes while you're away  
I'm your pain while you repay  
You know it's sad but true, sad but true_  
  
  
You know, it's funny when you think about it. A vampire in love with a   
Slayer. I guess it must be a family thing. Only difference is she gave the   
poof a chance. That sounds kinda like a song. What was that? Oh yeah.   
Give peace a chance. Poof, peace, same difference. Either way I'm still out   
here by myself while she's probably inside getting herself off while she   
thinks of him. Damn, it sucks to be me.  
  
Well, not really. I know that she has feelings for me. It may not be love,   
but there's something there. I can sense her arousal whenever she's fighting   
me. I can hear her heart begin to race whenever she even sees me. I can see   
the looks she gives me whenever she thinks that I'm not watching her.   
  
I'm the one she goes to for help. I'm the one she goes to for protection,   
not only for her, but for her family as well. That has to count for   
something. But instead of just giving in to whatever it is that she feels   
for me, she acts like a lovesick schoolgirl and tries to push away the boy.   
She forgets that I'm much more than a boy though. I've been there, done   
that, written the bloody book.   
  
I guess I didn't completely outgrow everything from back when I was a boy   
though. Even though there's a demon inside me, everything else is still   
there. I may not have a soul, but I can still love, care, hurt, feel. When   
my heart took its final beat, not all of me died with it. I might get   
pleasure out of seeing other people in pain, but good ol' William is still   
inside. My demon is not all of me. No, there's a lot more to it than that.  
  
While I do love the hunt and the kill, there are some things that are just   
better. If the Slayer would just give me a chance, I would be the happiest   
bloke out there. Killing doesn't make me happy. It's more like anger   
management. But Buffy's love could give me happiness and more. The day she   
tells me she loves me would be my true one good day.  
  
From the looks of it, that's not happening though. I'm still sitting here   
thinking about her, and she couldn't care less. She won't even try to see me   
for all I am. To her, I'm just another demon; just another thing to slay.   
She doesn't understand it at all. She just doesn't understand me at all. In   
her mind, I would kill her the second I get the chip out. That could never   
happen though. I wouldn't let it. The demon may control a lot of me, but in   
the past couple of years I've become more than that. I'm no longer a slave   
to my demon. I'm just me.   
  
But even if my demon does come out to play, that's still not all I am. The   
demon relishes in pain and torture. It loves to wreak chaos, and it laughs   
inside of me when I am blamed for it's actions. To my demon, I am nothing   
more than a mask, someone for it to hide under while I do it's biddings.   
Blood is what keeps it satisfied, so without the feel of the human blood   
coursing through my veins, my demon is never happy. Right now my demon   
thinks I'm a bloody wanker.  
  
_You, you're my mask  
You're my cover my shelter  
You, you're my mask  
You're the one who's blamed  
Do, do my work  
Do, my dirty work scapegoat  
For you're the one who's shamed_  
  
Sometimes I hate myself for what I am on the inside. I don't give a bloody   
damn about killing. Blood is good, don't get me wrong. I need it to live   
just like a human needs food and water, but because of the demon that lives   
inside of me, I will never have her love. She's making it clear by the way   
she's disappeared inside of her house that she really does want me out. God,   
I hate this.  
  
I can hear laughter from her living room, and I know that she's probably just   
telling everyone that she broke William the Bloody's heart. She must be real   
proud of herself now that she's done this to me. The once powerful Spike is   
now outside on her porch, reflecting on everything that I don't have. My,   
how the mighty have fallen...  
  
Now it's raining. My night just keeps getting better and better. Now all I   
need is for a lightening bolt to pierce through my heart and send me   
scattering across her lawn. As long as my coat doesn't turn to dust, I guess   
I wouldn't mind too much though. I've got nothing left to live for if she   
doesn't just give me a chance, so what have I got to lose? Note to William:   
Duster getting dusted could be in one of my bloody awful poems. Heh.  
  
I can hear footsteps just on the other side of the door. I wonder if it's   
the Slayer coming out to put me out of my misery. No, I wouldn't be that   
lucky. She probably doesn't even remember what happened tonight. Every tear   
that falls down my cheek would probably add one more smile to her face,   
another twinkle in her eye.   
  
Maybe I should just go then. I don't want her to find me still sitting here.   
It's probably been three hours now since she shut the door, and I don't   
think that my presence will help my case at all. Come to think of it, it   
doesn't really matter. In a couple more hours the sun will rise and she   
won't have to worry about me ever again.   
  
_I'm your dream make you real  
I'm your eyes when you must steal  
I'm your pain when you can't feel  
Sad but true  
I'm your dream mind astray  
I'm your eyes while you're away  
I'm your pain while you repay  
You know it's sad but true, sad but true_  
  
  
Soon, Spike. Soon you'll either have everything you want, or you'll have   
nothing at all. It's all up to her now. If she comes out, then everything   
will be okay. If not, well, then there'll be nothing. As it is, she's the   
only bloody thing that keeps me going. I've lost everything else. Dru's   
gone, Harm's gone, my vampiric life is gone. I don't care about Dru or   
Harmony leaving. No, that's something I wanted. They were both whores   
anyway. I'd like to say the same about Buffy, but I just can't seem to do it.  
  
You know, I really do want to hate her though. I want to go back to feeling   
the hatred scourge through my veins, burning me with its intensity. But I   
can't. The Slayer taunts me, haunts me every moment of the day. Her smile,   
her laugh, her bloody fist as it slams into my nose... Everything about her   
is always on my mind. I'd like to run away as fast as I can, just to escape   
her for a single moment, but then I don't know what I'd do. I'd be lost   
without her, and I'm not even with her.  
  
I do have the memory of being with her though. For one day in time, she was   
mine. She, Buffy, was in my arms, right where she wanted to be. For that   
one day, there was nobody in the world except for her and me. I don't give a   
bleedin' damn if it was only a spell. I swear, that it was real. When her   
lips brushed against mine, it was pure ecstasy. No, it was more than that.   
It was heaven. For a brief moment, I saw what I would be able to have if I   
wasn't a vampire. There's no difference, really. Buffy is my Heaven. Just   
like God doesn't want me, neither does she.  
  
I would have given her the best of everything if she would just let me try.   
I guess it's not gonna happen though. I can practically smell the sun   
starting to rise, and she still doesn't know I'm here. Stupid bint probably   
wouldn't even care if she did know what was gonna happen soon. I want to   
just walk away, and hope for the best, but I can't do it. Normally my love   
for myself would be a lot stronger than the Slayer being a bitch, but that's   
just the thing. I'm gonna die, and I don't bloody well care.  
  
  
_Hate, I'm your hate  
I'm your hate when you want love  
Pay, pay the price  
Pay for nothing's fair  
Hey I'm your life  
I'm the one who took you there  
Hey, I'm your life  
And I no longer care_  
  
  
It's getting closer now. I can see the faintest hints of sunlight starting   
to rise above houses off in the distance. As it gets closer, I can feel my   
body start to shake. I wonder if it will hurt. It will probably hurt like a   
bitch, but there's always a bright side. At least it can't hurt anymore than   
what I'm feeling now. This pain, it's blinding, searing. Much worse than   
anything that the chip, the Slayer, or any other physical agony could bestow   
upon me. This pain is death. I'm already mentally dead. I might as well   
catch up and let my body completely die with my heart this time around.  
  
As I slip my duster off and lay it on her doorstep, I know that this is the   
only choice I have. This is what she wanted and all I want is to make her   
happy. She wants to see me as nothing more than a demon. Well, that's   
always going to be a part of me, and there's nothing I can do to change it.   
I didn't want to be this way. I wanted people to see me as I am, and this is   
what I got.   
  
Maybe the demon has always been a part of me then. It might have been   
hidden, but it's always there somewhere deep inside of everyone, I think. A   
serial killer can do just as much damage as I ever could, but he has a soul.   
I don't see the bleedin' difference, but I guess that makes him a better   
'person' than me. If the Slayer wants to see people from the inside out, so   
be it. My soul was replaced with a demon, and that's all she knows, all she   
wants to know. Too bad she never tried to see me for everything I am.  
  
Bloody Hell, my arm is on fire. The sun is out a bit more than I thought it   
was now. Shit, this is not good. While the flames engulf my shirt, and my   
hair, I try to cower on the porch, frantically ringing the doorbell. I can   
feel myself melting away now, and I'm starting to wonder if this was a bad   
idea. Someone is coming to the door now, I can hear them. Shit no, it's the   
Slayer! She opens the door and stares at me in shock, but I can't get in.   
I'm uninvited. I scream out the words, "Buffy, please," and tears fill up in   
her eyes. The last thing that I can hear before I explode into nothing, is   
the whisper of the words, "I love you Spike," before the door shuts in my   
face again. The demon inside of me laughs, and I'm gone forever.   
  
  
_I'm your dream make you real  
I'm your eyes when you must steal  
I'm your pain when you can't feel  
Sad but true  
I'm your truth telling lies  
I'm your reason alibis  
I'm inside open your eyes  
I'm you sad but true_  
  



End file.
